Friday, January 25, 2008
I think at the time of separation(also in death) it shatters the world frame we live in. We find it hard to accept the simple fact that he/she is out of our lives and maybe wat we know as "life" will change forever for the worse. Be it love , infatuation or simple emotional attachment we find ourselves without an anchor.
But ... rather than being just foolhardy abt it have we given ourselves sum thought as to why such a thing happens...
For one i think it such happens because we like inertia. Emotional Inertia. We take comfort in knowing that we "know" this guy. We are secure that this "guy"(or gal) is sumtone who will not be heavy on our emotional resources. We built layers and layers of thoughts and actions in the sheer inertia of not moving out of our comfort zone. And the person also because of his/her inertia builds this shell. When this shell breaks ...its the breaking that discomforts us. We hate movement and its this loss of onertia of rest that unsettles us.
Secondly..have we ever given ourselves a thought ..how life changes for us when that person so special in our life moves away(again ..it cud be death or otherwise) . In 90% of cases that i have had a chance to see from close quarters..Life doesnt change. After the initial shock we settle back into the fabric of life as if nothing has happened. Drop a steel ball on a stretched rubber sheet. You will understand wat I am talkin about. A small perturbation..it doesnt break the rubber sheet and the ball also settles down to its own weight..again Emotional inertia rules .
Thirdly ..have we ever carefully observed how much of a difference our sorrow makes to the world. I wud say minimal. Not that our friends are cold and heartless creatures..but frankly it doesnt matter. Look at is this way. ... Suppose a family member close to u passes away. Apart from a few sympathetic words how does that shake up your best friends' life. It doesn't. Tomorrow his routine wont change ..he will get up ..brush , shave , have his breakfast and will perhaps give a few milliseconds to think abt ur tragedy..but life wont change a wee bit for him while u may be emotionally be damaged. Its not only him..Life wont change for any one else..be it ur uncle..aunt ..ur chowkidaar or the milkman. Again its not that they are too cold but its just that their Emotional Inertia is too heavy to feel a neighbor's perturbation.
Emotional Inertia cant be described as good bad or ugly..Its just there. We cant control it. But yes admitting it will make life a wee bit easier
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Suddenly he felt a stop in the pushing of the raft...He looked down and saw that the turtles had left .. the raft was swinging back into the sea stream..!
And that was bad news...!!!
At the mercy of the gulf stream , the raft will get further out into the sea and most probably will get sucked into one of the vortex that accompany such streams... Aiyratna could only grasp helplessly at the raft and look with sheer desperstion to danu. Danu had almost but given up and his eyes reflected a detachment Aiyratna found both irritating and dead ...
Too much desperation can lead to a state where the mind goes blank and one sees only wat is infront of him ..The same was happening to him as the only thing he could think of were the swirling waters of the sea current and the almost transluscent green algae as it swam effortlessly with the flow...
The water was surprisingly clear upto a few meters and he could make out some commotion ahead of the raft..A kind of turbulence which was small enough not to panic but big enough not to ignore. As he peered down for a closer look .. One of the turtles darted past him in water comin from the front and missing his nose by a few inches..
hmm..so they are still around...but hey wait wats coming up behind him..!!? From far it looked a pack of water insects but Aiyratna was a fisherman and he knew them when he saw them..It was a small school of Sardines moving straight towards his raft...the school being kept in formation by his two turtles cutting circles above and below them..
Its sometime difficult to hear unspoken gestures ad sometimes its too obvious to miss. ... Aiyratna did not waste any time in whipping the cloth out and dipping it into the sea ...His first catch was twenty small sardines ...
Too small a catch but will do...
As sson he had emptied the pack on his raft floor ...he saw the school approachin for the second time ..again marshalled by his freinds...
This went on till the raft floor was full and there was no space.. As soon as the last ones were caught ...Aiyratna sat up and told Danu to prepare the catch..
Within minutes the turtles were back at their stations and Aiyratna felt the reassuring push of the raft out of the stream.. As one by one the sardines were gutted , blood drunk and flesh eaten. Aiyratna and Danu tied up the remaining two thirds in the cloth for the next day and for first time in three days both of them lay down on the raft ....with a full stomach...and night fell on them as the raft drifted out of the main gulf stream..
To be ontinued
Friday, January 18, 2008
P(Dude) >= zero
However like PSO(Particle swarm theory) we can assign weights and velocities to dudes) thus
P(Dude)= [ p1 p2 p3 X v1 v2 v3.....]
p1 = Position in society
p2= Educational Qualification
while v can be the velocity of movement like
v1= Rate of displacement(ie bike or car)
v2= Want of upward mobility
v3= Desire to spend cash
Having characterised these dudes by such PSO variables , their movements and positions can be tracked stochastically and analysis will most probably show the optimum spacetime position of the dudes.
Having thus gained a thorough knowledge of their actions we can iterate their future behaviour by matrix transformations consisting of elements of society variables like
[ s1 s2.....]
Where s1 , s2 are social conditions like no of pretty chicks in vicinity, lack of studies workloads ..etc
Say wat , Pradip?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
following the same spirit of dude matics let us now have a brief session on "dude calculus"
d(dude)/dt >= 0
(once a dude, remains a dude or becomes a bigger dude)
d(k*dude)/dt >= k*d(dude)/dt
('k' dudes hanging out together would result in greater dudeness in time then when the dudes are saperated)
d2(dude)/dt2 >= 0
the rate at which the dude becomes a bigger dude is also positive.
d(dude)/d(money) >= 0
it cost's money for the dude to become bigger dude. which they become anyways.
d(dude)/d(girl) = girls^(her intelligence)
The more intelligent the girl is the more dude the dude becomes... (which in turn costs him money)
dude has no additive inverse!
dude + (-dude) = 2*dude
d(dude1 + or - dude2)/d(same girl) = 2*girls^(her intelligence)
(an intelligent girl takes advantage of both the dudes, irrespective of whether the dudes are friends or enemies)
integral(dude).dt = area covered by the dude roaming behind girls
integral(integral(dude)).dt.d(girl) = area covered by the dude roaming around the same girl
dude + bike = bigger dude
integral(d(dude+bike)/d(girls)).d(girl) = girl + shopping + multiplex + restaurants
a dude with bike roaming around girls, ends up as a paying driver
dude + mobile = bigger dude
dude + anything = bigger dude
dude +/- anything = bigger dude
wait that proves my original axiom that
d(dude)/dt >= 0
- thanks and regards,
But strangely these "dudes" have sum properties that are so similar that one can put them into a set which is a subset of "fake" individuals. Mathematically
now dudes group/set follows a few axioms
a. Dudes are Dudes( which is self evident)
b. Dudes + Dude = Dude
c. Dude+ intelligent = Dude+ Frustrated Intelligent(this is a transformation matrix)
Dude Dude [ intelligent intelligent] = [ DI DI]
Dude Dude X
Here the dude is the transformation matrix and not the intelligent, In lay man terms dudes transform the intelligent guys and never vice versa.
d. Dudes always spew gibberish.
Ie. [dude]X ( any signal)= Total White noise
This is sumthing like the infinite series property.
Infinity X any finite Qnty = infinity
Hence Dude is Human equivalent of infinity
e. Dudes don’t always understand each other
Ie. Dude1 --à Dude2 doesn’t necessarily mean
Dude 2--à Dude 1
Which basically means that Dudes are not commutative
f. Dudes deny their culture even while staying inside it
Own Culture Set Dude Set
Own Culture Set
g. Dudes do not have any weight hence the total mean of Dudes is zero
ie. Sum (Dudes) = 0
Using these basic Axioms we can build a new branch of mathematics and use it to study “dudes” . Any scientific papers on the subject are welcome on this blog
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
We all have such memories ..and mind u not all of them are romantic.
These are memories that make it difficult for u to break off ..to cut urself and decide on a future which u want free of past prejudices. Memories make it difficult ..but these memories are the easiest to overcome because of their very nature. They may have been pleasant but lookin at hindsight they become a part of a larger fakeness . Their whole artificiality aids in their ease of being forgotten.
When they replay they are seen thru todays lenses and they lose their genuineness. Gradually and surely the mind accepts them as not truth but illusions that spun u around when they happened. But ultimately were illusions which you had so innocently believed.
We all hide such memories in our bosoms . The longer we live such memories become lesser and lesser..as we become more and more cynical.
We become confidant that being rooted in ugly reality is better than taking flight in falsified atmosphere. We become confidant that the higher we fly , the harder we fall. We lose faith in magic and become mundane. We give up our magic at the altar of these memories. We fail to feel the pain sorrow and happiness of these forgotten memories.
We transform these beautiful things into ugly truth and these also transform us in a way we dont want to admit. A part of us ..be it minute is swallowed and digested by these memories . The more these memories the more of us they eat and rot. We of course allow this because the part they eat is a part that we do not love . Its a part that was loved and cherished once but now has become old and dying . Its a part that gave u ecstasy once ..now an useless piece of splinter in your eyes.
The beauty only lay in our admittance that they were the loveliest things that happened to us when they had happened and although they have wrinkled grown ugly and become rotten and stinking ..they were beautiful once in time and space.
Our forgotten memories!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Why do we think and think of so many things ..judging our own decissions ...putting someone on a pedestal ..pulling them down. Making relationships ,breaking many others. Going about something as if we were damn right about the whole thing and then realising what fools we have made of ourselves. Creating delusions ,living in them..! Making ppl love us hate us ..ignore us.
This actually doesnt make sense...Atleast to me. I sometimes see ourselves as ants scurrying around "doing " something always. "doing " doing doing...! Yes we are doers but to what final result. I am not goin to get senti on the "meaning of life bit" but ..then..
Forget it . Maybe I am just tired
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
I feel pretty strongly that these are people who neither know science nor know art. I strongly agree with David Knuths statement:
"Science is what we can tell a computer to do....everything else is an art"
and David Knuth should know ..he is the father of algorithmic computing.
To enjoy art , ignorance is not an absolute necessity. One can still enjoy the wind on his face knowing full well the laminar theory of fluid flow. This knowledge does not interfere with the sheer beauty of the moment. Knowing the composition of the Organic paints does not interfere with the beauty of Rafaels Oils...Knowing the geo-Composition of a rock does not interfere with the beauty of a sculptor..
To enjoy art is to elevate urself into a plane where things are more beautifull..symmetrical and complex ...To clsoe eyes to art in name of science is an insult to both
"What in the name of ....!! What are they doing below ..!?? Eating the barnacles..The undergrowth of any sea craft...? nibbling at the rotting wood? What the hell are turtles doing under my boat...."
Seized with the sudden panic that gnawing at their only platform of survival...Aiyratna laid on his stomach and started flaying the waters . The swirls were already grwing in the monsoon storm that had taken the raft apart at its seams ,,and Aiyratna's hands could only work up a tiny confusion to add to the already enraged waters..! And made no substantial difference to the two turtles clinging on to the bottom of the raft...
With his strength failing and the raft randomly twitching and turning in the growing swell ... he gave up any struggle whatsoever...! he motioned to danu to keep his end of the boat up anbd stable and drink in as much as the fresh water this storm could blow their way....
The raft was now a driftwood as night took over day and the storm grew angrier ..darker. Aiyratna was slowly losing consiousnness again ..and his struggle to keeb himself and the now down Dhanu was ebbing his will and power...
He took off his girdle and made a crude rope out of it..Tying his left ankle to Danu's right he made sure the knot was strong enough to hold....With one last push he rolled over on his back and tied his hand to the centre strake of his raft...Thats it !
Again that sweet comforting blackness took him over ..as he drifted into sleep . The raft was now a bed ..The hand of his mother pushing his cradle..swinging to his favorite lullaby..the stars were bright suns in the sky..glittering ..smiling ...The pungent smell of the crab curry and white rice..boiling on the fire....!!!
Aiyratna woke up next day morning .. Sat up in the raft and looked around. the sea had calmed and it had been a serene morning...the raft had held on although he had to pull back Danu from almost toppling over. His "rope " had held...!
And maybe hopefully those wicked turtles had left his raft bottom alone. He again peered into the sea...!
The sea had cleared and instead of the murky blue the waters were crystall greaan and he could see a few feet down. What he saw again put the shiver into his bones..the two turles were still there ...as if attatched to the raft bottom...!
" These are not finished with us , i suppose...! I have never heard of turtles eating rottin wood.."
His thoughts were interrupted by a big push that almost threw him off. And it was then that it struck him..actually the floating streams of red algae were cutting them through...very unusual...
" They were moving at an angle to the sea stream.. Which they should not..unless...
Unless they were being pushed by these two fellows..."
"to where and what for?" and most importantly "why?"
He and Danu were too drained out and tired to even think of a reason. Aiyratna said a silent prayer and looked at the raft bottom....
The two turtles were huge Leatherbacks ..and their rough hide bore a number of scratches and tears which could only have been made by Trawling nets and rough spears that the tribals aroud galle use to spear fish...
Aiyratna could only guess their age from their size..around forty..quite young for a turtle. One was a female..possibly the male's mate..! and he could make out that these turtles took turns in pushing the raft..!One would bite on to the girder on the lowerside while the other would let go...Swimming alonside till the other grew tired...!
As the sun went up in tha sky and the heat rose...Aiyratna called Danu weakly ..untied the rope and tried to sit up.....! they had not eaten for three days and although water had satiated their thirst...food was sumthing they desperately needed...! Aiyratna remembered a faint evening where he had heard tales of seafarers eating algae to survive ...
And although there wer4e streams of red algae floating in the stream...he wondered if he sould eat them..
He opened his "rope" spread it around ..made it into a net and swung it gently in front of the raft.... a pinch of red algae and floating dirt caught in his net...as he scooped it out..he realised that he would have to do this atleast fifty times to get sumthing as much as a mouth full..and he had to feed Danu also....
Suddenly he felt a stop in the pushing of the raft...He looked down and saw that the turtles had left .. the raft was swinging back into the sea stream..!
And that was bad news...!!!
To be continued
There are a few films which hit you on the face .."dil Chahta hai".."masoom" .."arth" ..and make u feel that u have grown up a bit after seeing them. I add "eternal.." to that list today. The film is a brilliant take on love and life after love which is rather sensitively potrayed without looking mushy or judgemental.
I wish I cud put in words how the movie made me feel . All i can say it gave an alternate pesrpective which which I have missed in my mundane existence. Not that i cud identify with the characters ..not that i cud identify with the situation..but it made me feel slightly grown up. Its very very difficult to analyse a work of art ..a work of emotion ..Easy to feel it. What may be mundane to you may be strikingly beautifull to me. I feel that as intelligent beings we should allow for that. Its nothing o do with maturity , existence or feeling "artistic" ..its more about letting others be the way they want to be. Its diffucult to be non judgemental ...If we were non judgmental we wud have been extinct long time back.
But then everyone is right in his/her sphere of influence and sometimes its a good idea to let that be.
"Eternal Sunshine.." has moments that made me realise that.
Some may laugh that I am a dreamer ... Maybe I am . I live my own reality , my own world ...! and i do care about what others feel..But sometimes its just nice idea to let me be.
I think i am having a movie hangover. But then wats life if u cant get drunk on sumthing u love or like. Wats life without feelings ..wats life without pain , sorrow ,happiness and hurt. Is it a life worth having? Is a life without dreams worth living
Sunday, January 6, 2008
A sharp jab of monsoon rain piercing his caked eyelids broke the death like reverie that he had drifted into...! Sweet sweet water washing over his body and running over his face..! He dared not open his eyes lest the dream would dissapear ..! His fingers twitched feeling the dead rafters of his "craft" ..making sure they were there . Wet creaking and almost rotten..but yes they were definitely there.
Aiyratna opened his eyes slowly to take it all in..The dark menacing skies..The pointed raindrops..The swirling waves below . He took in his assistant rising and turning..as if refreshed into life by the rain sheets ... Yes he was alive...There was no doubt in that..!
They sat up almost simultaneously and scanned each other..almost stunned to see each other alive...! Slowly Danu crawled up to him and held him . His eyes were dry yet both could only silently murmer their thanks..
A push again...a strong push from below their raft that turned the direction of the raft..! yes..Airatna had almost forgotten it. There was an invisible hand pushing the raft away from the sea stream ....Pushing it into another durection.The look on Danu's face confirmed as of yet what was an illusion...
At the risk of toppling the raft..Aiyratna laid on his belly and peered down...!
What he saw ..he had never seen or heard before...
To be continued..
Friday, January 4, 2008
Things had not been goin well for a couple of days ...The catch had been falling and it seemed the sea was taking out her frustration for overfishing by not giving any fish at all. Trawlers had returned empty and apart from a few mussels and crabs there was a very few trawlers returned even with half full stockers. Experts and shaman were of no help as everyone knew that with the monsoons catch would fall..this was expected ..but the drastic fall had left the entire village of Galle in tatters. No amount of incense burning could quell the hunger as it grew in response to the dwindling of the catch....!The local moneylenders were on a ball ... as men after men handed over their precious few items in return for a few pounds of broken rice sourced from the limitless but corrupt Govt fodders....! The village moved in slow agonizing motion as if it was inching towards a lifeless existence...
To return without any catch and look into the empty eyes of his two children Babiya and Banduka and his already malnourished wife was a scene that would play long into night . As he had slept the last night he had dreamt of bad signs... sea water rushing into his home as he struggled to keep the two boys afloat. The dream had ended with his wife calling him out to get up and meet Danuja.
Danuja was his asistant and he was the one who did the nets on their trawler, Mantan. Now the trawler was a 15 footer diesel ,which again looked as if it had been trawling for several decades while Airyaratna had bought it a year back from the old man who was getting too old to fish now. Mantan also reminded him of the loan pending with the money lender ...infact he had cut notches on the flat board to keep a track of the payments he had made. These notches in these times also moved like the life in the village itself..slow.
As they sad and sipped a bit of leftover arrack..Airatna looked into the sea..and nodded aimlessly to Danuja. Danuja understood..
Nowadays everybody had begun to understand.
Babiya came running around ..dust covered and smelling of the rotten fish.
"must have been rolling in the godforsaken cleaning pen..atleast even now some one is getting some fish to be cleaned.." As Aiyratna eyed the pinched belly of his youngest a shadow of despair washed over him.... It was not like him to cry infront of this youngster. After all he was his skipper..his leader...
Aimless thoughts and the sure possibility of wasting another hold of diesel and coming back with the mudcrabs and godknows wat was not the best thing to happen this morning...
However he had to go...no other way out..
" Boss, why dont we take her out towards Alwa islands, Manu had been fishing there for a while and his catch had been good.."
Aiyratna gave a tired look at the boy...."yes catches there had been good...although not good enough to risk Mantan in the sharp rocks that rose up like sharkteeth around Alwa.."
"The boat was a 15 footer, it wont take the sea and Alwa was beyond the 40 mile set by the officials...No ..Doesnt look like a viable option....
Danuka doesnt kno anything , just another of the useless punts who had left the vilage to return with smaller radios and bigger boasts....No ...not there..."
Calls echoed out as women and children ran to haul in the boats that had left two days back...and soon died down as the eyes had rested on the empty stocker...
"How long will this go on O God....these empty boats ...dry faces..tears and another day of gruel.."
Dhanuja seemed amused by the whole spectacle of women hauling away catch in a bucket...There was that much only. He was half amused by the meagreness of the catch and half amused at the bickering that broke out on the beach as men struggled to divide the catch....!!
Aiyratna got up , dusted his back , and looked at sea again...!
" Ok Danu, time to get our boat ready...Stock her up for four days...and meet me in the afternoon..We leave for Alwa tonight"
Dangling his legs from the broken raft...he had wished he had not taken that decission...
Rains and choppy seas had turned Mantan away from Alwa. With the strong current..the tiller and rudder were useless...! Within hours the water had hit the rudder and torn it away....Sails had gone already ..and as water had filled up the engine...the boat had lost power ..and the will to live. A sharkteeth had done the rest....
All that was left of his "Mantan" was the raft they were sitting on now. Atleast Danu was there with him....
They had been floating for a day now .... And Aiyratna had never ever felt the sun to be so merciless. They were so low in water that every wave washed over them drenching them in a fresh coat of salt and slime...! And in no time the sun had dried it into a sadistic plaster that gradually tore open their hides to another spray of the same...
Even for their already hardened fishermen hide ..this was a slow and painful treatment that had left their skin numb now...
With the raft aimlessly drifting towards nothing...and clear sky sun...both of them were drying up . Danu had in desperation gulped a few mouthfulls of sea a few hours back and now lay writhing in pain as diarohhea took out the last remaining drops of water from his body...! Aiyratna had held on to his temptation...however as the raft drifted without any land in sight...He was losing his conciousness...
Thankfully the day was going down...atleast he would die away from the hot glare....
Suddenly he felt a brisk push under the raft. Weak as he was ..instinct told him to pull his leg up..!
" If I am dying , let it not be because of a shark.." his hazy mind was too numb to feel anything else ..
Another push ....
He pulled himself up and looked to see if Danu had left his legs into the waters...! Danu was now a lifeless mass of limbs in phlegm and sea water ..his body had given up and he had stopped writhing long ago. Atleast his leg was up...
Two pushes one after the other.
Dehydrated and tired with his mind playing games....Aiyratna crawled to the raft end and stopped there....Afraid to look down and see a pair of hungry ..cold lifeless eyes of death staring at him....
Too gentle pushes to be a shark....and yet maybe there were no pushes at all..maybe life playing little games before death took him in...Aiyratna laid on his back and let darkness take him over.
....... to be continued...
I feel life is just too good a gift and frankly dont understand when ppl complain how tuff life is. Life is as tuff as u make it...as beautiful as u think it can be.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
On a serious note ..I think birthday celebration not of life but of avoidance of death. We kno each year completed brings us nearer to our death .Then why do we celebrate birthdays..? Why do we let others kno that we are celebrating ..? Why do the aam junta wishes u on the simple fact that u have just moved closer to your end. Its as surprising an dark as wishing some one ..err "a very happy cancerous tumor" or say "congrats on that Cute Teberculosis" ....!! Although wishing a birthday is considered a thing to make the birthday boy happy ..I think it has a perverse motives .
It is actually supposed to make the wisher happier. Thats because he/she has confirmed that another fellow competeitor for scarce resources is nearin his end.
Thats the best part on a blog..Write crap and get away with it..