Saturday, December 26, 2009

Indian Insects

Indians are the most successfull of the race in the world ..if you judge by population alone. If reproduction was the sole critrea which a specis is adjudged , we as a race and nation have mastered the art and science of runaway reproduction..With some very uncanny resemblences to the actual kings of reproduction...Insects

Let me explain ..

Integrity- As far as we can fathom ..Insects lack morals. No , let me rephrase it , the only moral they have is the Nietzschian fundamental of "Strength is justice". Its a insect eat insect world where if you think beyond eating your competetor you are out of the specis . Indians are very similar in the fact that the only thing that matters is their own survival...others be damned. Integrity is the first casualty in this assault on morals and ethics. Indians define ethics as it suits them...and most of the times its such a crooked defination that the obvious truth takes deamonic shapes of twisted reality(sorry..i get carried away he he )

Discipline- While it may seem that insects are disciplined ..its most at the times not so. Its a discipline that arises out of a greed for food . Its a discipline that flows from top down enforcement .It is not a voluntary garb ..its a sporadic local hedgemony which benefits the top order. This discipline if enforced by the low order can yeild them considerable strength and ease...but this self discipline is impossible to implement. How Indian . See the lack of self discipline on the road,and see the forcible enforcement of discipline by local goons even on the roads.
This lack of discipline comes out in many other disciplines...have a look at our government bodies..our private companies and you will realise that in name of creativity we lack basic self discipline. This is inbuilt in the way we are bought up...
Our mothers spoil us..they say that in name of mother india, everything we do as a child is beyond reproach..we are bought up to believe that we dont need disciplne . Due to which , as a race we wander around kicking sand into each others face ...and swallowing some of it.

I suspect thats the way the insects are also brought up.

Short term thinking- Any swarm theorist will tell you that a large system of insects will not have any far non-local influence but will behave according local short term influences (the global influence will be there but the effect is very small)...! Now if you appraise the insect of a long term plan or repurcussions..most likely he /she will laugh on your face.
Indians are exactly like that. So concerned with the immediate enjoyment that the long term loss fades in comparisions. Try telling a man that making his 4 yr ol boy piss out of the train window isnt exactly morally building his character. Most likely you have to prove that point to him with two slaps..or he wont get it. Try telling Indians that watching Rakhi Sawant wiggle her assets isnt a bigger issue than lack of Electricity or state of roads ...
You might as well tell the insects..

Quality of Life- Insects are bothered about quantity of children..Not quality of life. A worker ant
is cool with reproduction ,leaving the children to "take care of themselves"...or rather other ants. Similarly although Indians profess undying love, most of the time they produce kith only to leave the parentiong bit to whims and fancies of "society"

Lack of faith in ownself- Insects act as if they believe in their society . This belief has a counter character..disbelief in ones self . SO most likely mob mentality rather than individual decissions make or mar that individual. Failures are blamed on individual inability to fit into the rotten and most likely redundant mold...

Corollary: I know that most ppl would throw up their hands and say.."err but u forget ..we are overcoming that and becoming a world power" . For those overtly optimistic ones ,I would suggest an honest look at India that is now . We are not fit to be even a nation..rather it will be some time before we can claim to be good humans . We are adept at making excuses ..for example we find the excuse of every defeat we faced ..starting from Nadir Shah to moghuls as "all assimilating Indian ethos"...! Do you see a future for such excuse giving men? Its like trying to justify a rape as a "slightly modified marriage"...!
See my point?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Rajgad to Torna with Pradip and Murthy

The trek from Rajgad to Torna has been chewing my brain since the time I had climbed Rajgad and was shown the meandering way till Torna from the Rajgad Burj. I just knew that this had to be done. Leave presented a great oppurtunity to go to mumbai and fulfil this well...desire.

Pradip and Murthy unexpectedly decided to jump in(both are PhD Scholars in IIT,B)...while again unexpectedly the original trek partner Vivek could not get leave.

(life is sometimes like a trek..esp this trek. When you plan something out it might be possible that the original starting point may get may happen that the original partners get might well be possible that you may have partners whom you will understimate ....but in the end given a bit of encouragement the same understimated partners will surprise you with grit and endurance)

So one fine monday nite we started out towards pune from CST(mumbai). Start at 1035 and reached Pune at 230. Me and Pradip went to find out the bus the ST stand outside Pune . We go asking ..err.."which is the bus to Velhe?" ..." Gunjawne"..? the enquiry counter. A gruff ol man says "Satara? " from across the counter..Me and Pradip look at each other( are we speaking french at two in the morning or is it that the man is himself lost) . Anyway we consult a roadside map book and decide that the fort is in Satara district(it is not..Rajgad is in Pune District while Torna IS in Satara).So we decide Velhe is in Satara and ask the man again ....!
The man points towards a red bus..'char baje'....Cool. So we go back freshen up and promptly get back at 4 to board the bus. The conductor says that he knows where Velhe is and "no problem" ..he will get us there. Falser words were never said. After around 2 hrs of bone rattling drive..he says .."Aaa gaya"..We get down and march into darkness the middle of highway . There are a few hotels around ..but no sign of any village.
A vada pav wala is just firing his we cosy up to him..ask for tea and info.

We get good tea and bad info.

He doesnt know a shit about what we are talking about. Rajgad? ...."nahin bhaiya..pata nahin".."torna...what is Torna"?. Very very demoralising I must say . I mean if u are ever stuck at a foreign destination way off your mark will realise the pain and agony of it all..

But we the brave hearts refuse to take it lying down..We ask..ask and ask some more..till some bright fella tells us that ..ouiii..this is not the Velhe you want to go..this is the "other Velhe"..! OOOOOO.....he also tells us that we are some 32 kms off our mark . All bright sparks in the group light up "see we told u so..the bus was taking so long..etc etc". Hmm..bright guys , where were you when the bus conductor was downloading us in "this velhe"? ...he he
Anyway we hitch a ride on the next truck that comes along and reach Nasrapur...Then luckily a trekker takes us to Gunjawne while Murthy keeps asking "where are we going? ..Torna or Rajgad?"...And Pradip is still confused as to weather its Rajgad or Raigad...I am not pissed but kind of in no mood to enlighten the Geographically handicapped Gentlemen...

We reach a junction from where Gunjawne is around 8 km walk..No tempo..So we walk! Walk till Gunjawne and have a bit of Poha at the base hotel. The hotel offers dinner on top at exborbitant prices..but seeing that lady luck is already deserting us ..we grab the chance.Ok..We shall have dinner delivered on top..No problem.

At around 830 the trek Officially starts. The climb till Rajgad is mighty boring and gets even more boring as I ,the self styled "water footprint reducer " of the group enforce strict diktats on having a water break only after half an hour. Murthy and Pradip give me bad looks ..but I ignore. Water is precious and I intend saving every bit of it.

So we walk walk and walk ...climb a bit and Voila we are at Top by 1030 approx...Sun beating down so we rest at the temple. Pradip promptly goes to sleep while I stretch myself.
After 30nmins I give a wake up call to the group and off we are to see the Ballekilla ..Its a minor climb but Murthy is again asking "Whats on top? What is there to see?"...Well he doesnt seem to get the point...There is actually nothing to "see" here. We are here to trek the distance and reach some place which has been dead for a hundred years...So if you expecting belly dancers to welcome you with some Chaas and nimbu paani ..forget it boss!
So we do the ballekilla while Pradip promptly dons the directors cap by filming the first ever film on trekking to ballekilla on youtube.
Then we make a beeline for subhela see the sunset. Enroute we collect some firewood and check out the needha(hole in the mountain)..
All done by sunset we walk back. Time for some tea. oops...the man below arrives with dinner. Dinner at 6? Naaahh..we are too manly for that.So we get down to lighting the fire and making the tea. While me and Pradip are fuming and smoking..the chulha isnt doing much of firing and smoking. So we fester and fester..while Murthy clicks some candid camera snaps. We have tea from a dabba and then after sometime pounce on dinner...
Dinner is as meagre as the price is high. And we ARE hungry...So no complaints.
We sleep on temple verandah at 830..Pradip is in mood for some chit chat. I am not too tired but I know tomorrow is goin to be tuff and I want my sleep.
By 1030 some monkeys and three dogs join us on the Verandah. ..along with a guy who walks in . He is hussian and he also plans doin the Torna trek.
Join us dude, we ask him...! He sweetly says yes and opens his map. Man are we thankful for the map or wat..He is our guy and we plan moving out before daybreak. Rocks get hot during the day and we have some climbs tomorrow..

Next day...

615 we are out of Rajgad through the Alu Darwaja with Hussain in the tow. The sun is shining softly and we march on...
Uneventful march except for a wrong diversion and catastrophic failure of Murthys new Reeboks.
We reach base of the Budhla Machi and Hussain wants to climb now. Pradip and Murthy are in no mood while I am ok with both options. Then it strikes me that rocks are getting hot and it will be difficult. So we start the climb. Actually its a textbook regular as they come...We make it on the top of the burj.
Murthy and Pradip are shell shocked by the news that there will be no rest till we reach bottom of torna. But I had planned that unless we start early there was a chance we mite miss the bus.
So after a lot of grumblings we are on our way to the top of Torna where we plan to rest a wee lil at Meghavati temple and yeah..MOOOSTT IMPORTANT ..fill our water bottles.
That we do in due time ..but let me tell u traversing the fort is not easy and lack of any boards(so much for maratha pride in Shivajis forts)....Once we got into some blind alley and I had to literally claw my way up..

Anyway we reach the temple ..aided by two good samartians who had come to plant some trees here(yeah ..toc toc toc..these ghatis are crazy as romans)...

Here we have a sumptious lunch of Dry amul powder, jam and Raisins ...(oh yeah we are the weirdos)..

Then begins the long walk down ..and its a looooong walk down to velhe..!Esp if you add the 6 hrs of trek and 2 hours walk down..We HAVE walked a lot.

Vlhe greets us with sole restaurant TORNA Vihar, Murthy has a Misal Pav while I and Pradip Stick to Maazas..
After a roundabout bus trip to Pune (including a trekker itinery) and lots of essentially useless disussions about cellular automata..We are back in Pune.

A heafty dinner at Shri Krishna Restaurant follows(greasy food ..if u ask me ) but clean and prompt service.

To cut a long story short..we manage a discount on the bus ride back after Pradip blows a fuse arguing with the bus arranger..and back in IIT at 120 at night

Warm bath and sleep and tomorrow we are as good as new...


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Vizag to Bhubaneswar

Car rallyists ride atleast a thousand km each day for days on end ...! I can imagine the fun especially if I recount my 464 kms of NH 5 from Vizag to Bhubaneswar by my Car. First of all this was an entirely new and exciting expierance for me although my coursemates have driven far greater distances. Secondly..the fun was doubled because I was doing this alone..yep all alone for the 400 odd kms.

Now , there is nothing very special about driving on a highway but somethings are important like starting early . I had planned on 5 but somehow could not make it out before 530 . By the time I was out on the highway it was 6 . Very pleasant wintery morning ..and sun rising on my right as I headed towards bhubaneswar. I intended touchin Srikakulam (arnd 100 kms frm Vizag) and stopping for breakfast however as soon as I neared Srikakulam , suddenly I felt that lets stop after the next 100 ..and so on it went till I hit a bad patch of road near Ganjam (in Orissa) . There I took a break ..stretched myself , refilled , had a soda and off I went again.
The ride was sheer pain till around 100 kms after Ganjam ..however the last 100 kms to Bhubaneswar were sheer pleasure with awesome highway and well behaved traffic(well..if u honked enuf they wud lissen)..

Long drives like these are a rarity for people like me and some of my freinds had told me that I shud take someone with me for either safety or boredom sake. I am ok on the safety part but boredom? naaah...! I dont think long drives bore me. For this this particular drive was about as good as it gets ...wind in my hair(or watever is left of it)..some nice ghazals and just me and the engine. How much better could it get? No one to disturb my thoughts one to pass unnecessary comments on the scenery ..and no one to stop me untill I wanted to stop. The freedom of the drive was worth the safety part.

Two things that I would take away from this trip ..

1. The Dzire is an extremely stable car . Which means that even at 120 km/hr u really do not feel the speed(its as stable as its at 40-45 ...and sometimes you actually get careless)In fact there were times where I was shocked to see the speedometer well past hundred when I had been thinking that at most it would have been 60-80..

2. Secondly , Contrary to my perception ..truck drivers were the most dilligent of traffic rule followers while tourist sumos/carriers and busses were the worst offenders.

Lastly ..I have realised that I love driving and that too alone...Its a pleasure I would want to take further..Drive to mumbai..mmm..lets see!!)..or Leh???

Friday, November 20, 2009

Shopping For someone

Have you ever been asked something like " err..yaar I want to buy a laptop..can u just guide me..?" and then you tag along with the guy to help him select his object?
Well I have been asked quite a lot of times ..esp for things like music systems and Computers ..Even for USB flash drives. Its ok and I enjoy it. I like going to an electronic lets rephrase that " I love being in an Electronics showroom" ...and my pleasure is doubled when the sales guy is a guy who is also interseted in Electronics. (actually I only buy from technical shops where I and the salesman can talk out the details..and he actually takes pain to explain me the details of whys and why nots )

So this one time I went "lappy shopping" with a junior of mine. He wanted a Laptop as he wanted to have a net connection(I was taken aback that he had survived without one till now..anyway). And his budget..was lets say 30 K.
So on the way I tell him all the funda of the fact that its the RAM and bus speed that counts otherwise any 64 bit processor is cool the fact that if there is a trade off between RAM and HDD capacity ,go for RAM...

So now we start the survey. This is where it gets interseting. While I am going thru the data sheet of various computers he is busy asking the dealer as to freebies with each laptop..! He wants a laptop bag instead of a shoulder sling..etc etc.
Then I ask him if he is interested in the datasheet of comparision of models?

He replies back.".sir koi farak nahin padta ! Koi bhi chalega as long as I can "do" net!!..bas bag acchi milni chahiye"

I look back at him in a Zen like trance? What the fuck!! Processor , HDD, RAM and Bus speed se farak nahin padta par bag ke type se padta hai? And buddy a Laptop bag(the best of It..costs max 1500 and here you are buying a machine worth 20 times ..

Thats what I think...and I feel kind of let down also that I studied so much for this guy..Anyway with such situations I have this tendancy to suddenly detach and smile. Smile because the situation itself is funny ...Its funny when somone is so superficial. But then what can make such a situation tragic is your attempt to "educate". I never never never try to "educate" without invitation...My expierance says that its trouble.

So I smile and say.."Definitely ,nice choice ..a back pack bag is an intelligent choice..that looks better plus you really dont need that much investment on RAM or HDD..after all you are not going to do cluster processing"....!

The innard story

The best part of buying a car is getting to know how the system works.I mean , yes , driving is fun ..especially on highways but for me the real excitement is in visualizing the system . I mean its like this. ..Suppose i press the accelerator...I visualise it as pulling a fuel rack that opens a pin in a slider , this pin regulates an orifice which in turn increases the fuel into the carbouretor, and in turn the injectors.
That makes perfect sense to me.
But wat is more interesting to me are the way the electrical connections are routed . This I had a chance to observe when the car showroom was fitting my car with music system , power windows etc etc.

Power Windows-Firstly, its not as complex as I thought it to be. When you open the inside cover of your car door the entire paraphernalia is right on front. The windows actually rest on a padded cross jack. This cross jack has a semicircular wheel attached. So when you operate to roll yout windows up or down you are actually operating this semicircular wheel which raises the jack.
Now lets assume you have a motor and a microswitch which does the same ..i mean rotating the semicircular wheel..Voila ----Power windows

Central Locking- This is slighltly more elaborate. Because this requires a mechanical connection between the actuating motor(its basically a solenoid) which pulls the lever of the lock . The trick is in connecting all four doors connections to one box(its placed on the front right door) . This box is operated by RF signals from your remote/Central locking key. Of course there must be a encryption in the signal or you could be opening up the entire parking lot ;)

Music System- This is a piece of cake. Its like putting a DVD player in your CPU slot. Jut remove the dashboard cover and plug it in. The tough part is in wiring the speakers right. White cables are already prelaid from the system JB to all over the car. If you lift the covers at the side of ur feet(outer) you will find a line of white and orange wites..these are speaker wires. And yes there are extra wires in care you want an Amp inbetween..AWESOME isnt it?

Next time a write up on engine Servicing..But then I have to complete 1000 kms (already reached 450 in 4 days)..SO lets wait

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Who Am I to judge?

Good bad and not so bad...
rag tag and not so rag tag...
A tear here and a mend there..
All patched up here and there...

You , me , all of us..
Some dead..some dying and some living dead
Some blood , some flesh and rotting pus..
A dullard , numbskull and the bright head

Who is right , who is wrong?
Who gives a roar over a song?
Who draws the final line..
Who ties the last twine..

Logic and reason
...have but one season
Passing bye and waving bye
One standing while the chain lies

Trust and fame ..
All the same ...
Betrayal and ignonmity ..same same
Wild and tame..

All flavours ..
All tastefull and rage
Some like chocolate some like fudge..
Any way who am I to judge?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Exchanging Lives..Averaging out

I used to watch an ad that kind of starts with a kid wanting to have a bike..the bike guy wanting to have a car..the car guy wanting to have a girl..the man with a girl wanting to get richer..and the circle completes with the rich guy wanting to have flowing hair like the kid .

Quite a nice ad .

Infact this ad is the perfect starting piece of this post.

The issue I want to talk about is about the fact that how we always get to thinking "I wish I was as lucky as the other bastard". Even I used to have these thoughts especially in school.
We never had had a palatial house. It was just a simple 2 BHK house..basic.
And whenever I used to visit my freinds I used to look at their "separate" rooms ..decorated with pop icons ..I used to envy that kind of "rich". I still remember seeing a cycle in someones own separate room and thinking .."wow..thats so american"....! I remember the happiness of hearing the "spirit of rangeela" on a Philips "Micro monster"(I think that was a midi music system ...but compared to the miserable 2 in one we had at home was nothing short of a bose). I remember idolising that crumpled jeans look with those "expensive" sneakers ...It was the height of fashion.
But somewhere after my 12th ..and especially after passing out of NEC my thoughts changed. And that change made me look at things in what I think is a better perspective.
My thought was this..

If I envy someones life..I have to import his entire life. Not a piecemeal barter. For example if I liked someones bike..I have to import not only his bike but his entire life..and THEN ask if its worth the barter.
So I tried thinking on those lines . Next time I looked at some ones expensive car ..then asked for the barter ..I realised that the overall package I had was the best one could ever have.Somehow that thought made me feel at peace.

The moot point is that everyones life in a way averages out. If you have a great house..maybe your wife is crazy..If your wife is great,maybe its your son who is trying to murder you...etc etc.
You will not have everything..thats the bad news. Everyone is in the same shit as you are..thats the good news..

Enjoy while it is too short!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The reason for divorce

I have been thinking about a lot of issues that I wanted to write in my blog ..but kept on postponing it. Today is a holiday and I must tackle a very sensitive issue..!

One of my very close freinds is going through a divorce. Infact he came to know that his wife has served a notice for divorce around three days back ..and today he is flying to his in laws town to get his representation in court there.
Kind of funny when you ask me because precisely three days back he was talking to his wife about patching up . Infact he was speaking of his wife as an innocent soul who had been waylaid by her mother(herself separated from her husband). He was justifying the fact that maybe his wife was a simpleton and he had been making too many demands on her maybe thats the reason she wants to stay away from him for sometime..etc etc.

My heart breaks for this guy because I have seen two other people go through the same phase in my life ...again very very close classmates. A phase where there is severe denial that there is fundamentally something wrong in the marriage. A phase where either refuses to accept the inevitibility of the fall. A phase where a fracture is read as a minor crack.

That makes me think what went wrong here? Why a divorce? Why do they happen?
Now I can cite atleast a hundred COSMO issues that give "communication failure" etc as the "cause" ...but I think its a fallacy. Its like trying to say that you have fever because you have temperature. No, fever might have a cause like infection and an effect like temperature but temperature is the resultant of the cause and not vice versa.

Similarly Lack of Communication is not the cause of divorce , its only a symptom which pre empts a divorce. So what is the exact cause ?

I feel that the seeds of divorce are sown along with marriage ,like a twin tree. As you move forward in marriage you start slowly nurturing the marriage tree and undernourishing the divorce sapling....till the divorce sapling withers .

Now if you have a strong divorce sapling..any amount of undernourishment will not be able to kill it.

Now what makes a divorce seed /sapling stronger ? Its a simple word " compromise".
Before you start pulverising me ..let me explain.

A marriage involves lots of compromise ...but marriage itself should not be a compromise. There is a difference.

A lot of marriages are compromises for money, libido or ego. Since they start as compromises the entire exercise slowly drains out the partners and the divorce sapling grows stronger at the cost of marriage sapling.
A marriage which is uncompromising depends upon the fundamental liking for each other(mind you..I am not talking of love here..its a mutual liking). Rest everything comes later..even compromises. Compromises after marriage in such a marriage is generally willing and is done because fundamentally both partners feel that its worth them liking their partner.
Food habits, clothing , culture and ethos are things that people compromise upon but they never compromise on the idea of marriage itself.

That is the fundamental difference between "compromised marriage" and "compromises after marriage",the first most likely leading to a divorce (or at most a very unhappy marriage) and the second leading to a stable one...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Nice orbit

Ever since I joined the Dockyard in Vizag..Life has been a spin. The pace is maddening and almost always there is some work or the other. Since I was in IIT , I used to think that I will miss the lazy days of the campus..I will miss the comfort of being in jeans and t shirt ..I will miss the total lack of responsibility..etc etc..

However contrary to what I thought..I am loving it here. Although I get a wee bit nostalgic about my freinds like Pradeep and Vijay Venu...I really do not miss the lazy life in IIT. Not that the life was any cake walk but somehow it was way way less hectic than it is now. Here its the life of a ping pong bat to another...!

But somehow it never felt better. When I visit equipments, ships,shop floors and men at work...when I contribute something at a technical or managerial level..I feel so much more fulfilled. Its as if "this is where I belong..this is heaven". Maybe its the initial euphoria it whatever you want ..but I feel great.

More so because slowly I am getting into a regular physical routine with games and run also..Plus there is something worth waiting for and I am enjoying aiting for that new arrival in my life..

All in all a good package if you discount my mothers comment "tu aaj kal kaun se orbit mein rehta nahi kar sakta?"

Nice orbit...just a few revolutions to rev up the joy!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Unlucky with girls

I am at a stage when most of my coursemates are having kids ..generally three four year old tiny tots. And frankly I enjoy playing with these guys. I love it when a kid invites me to his world. I dont know if you ever feel this high..but I do .
It feels like an achievement for me to be trusted by a kid ..because that I take as the biggest endorsement of my character. I feel very proud of that fact that without any "baby talk" ..I get accepted by most of them.
I say most of them and not all..and one pecularity that I have found that while I share a very comfy relationship with guys like jassi and aru and sunny...the same cant be said about girls. I dont know why but somehow girl kids dont like me ....
I dont know why..I would really like to find that out.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Ek sawaal

Today I have the time to write a blog after a long time. And I got a topic thats worth it.

Ever since I had given my first interview I always used to wonder what was it to be on the other side. Finally today I had the chance to conduct a higher rank examination for sailors and conduct the exam and interview and I am pretty proud the way it went and kind of enjoyed the whole process.

After the three hours exam I had to take interviews of the Radio related technicians. But somehow ended up with Power related sailors. And the first interview itself was an expierance itself...

My first question: " Now ...draw me a ciruit of a full wave rectifier"

A: " Rectifier..mmmm..ummmm ? sirrr? "

Q: Ok,so what do u mean by a rectifier?
A: Rectifier ..ummmmmmmm

Q: Ever heard of a rectifier?
A: Sir, meri angrezi thodi weak hai...rectifier ..ummmm...

Q: Yaar, ek cheez bolo..heard of AC current? DC current?
A: Haan sir

Q: To bhai ..AC ko DC mein kaise badalte hain?
A:...sir, Battery se..!!!

Q: Cool...(!@!@#@#$##$$..FAIL FAIL FAIL)
A: thanks u sir

Q: Ab batao ki diode kya karti hai?
A: Sir, ye to nahin pata...

Q: Ok, bhai, chalo ur interview over! Bye bye
A: Sir ek cheez batani thi....agar aap ki permission ho to...

Q: Ershaad
A: Sir ,main teen baar pehle fail ho chuka meri last chance hai....please agar aap kuch kar sakte hain...Main padhai mein thoda weak hun par baaki kaam kar leta hun...please thodi consideration kijiyega


SHUD I TAKE THE HUMANITARIAN ASPECT AND PASS HIM(his pay and perks depend upon this exam ) ..? OR SHUD I FAIL HIM(because he not simply worth passing?

WHAT DO U THINK I SHUD DO?What do u think I did?? ;)

Friday, July 10, 2009

My TV Times

I am not much of a TV watcher ..But while seeing the show called "India s got talent" I was set on thinking on one topic...Lets say two topics.
Topic One- Class Layers
I feel that stratification of human societal hierarchical layers is a reality and it will happen , no matter how much socialism you try to inject. There will be poor and rich ..there will be social classes. Its a fact of the human society that can be ignored at its own peril.

Now what differentiates a progressive and upcoming society is not the absence of class layers but something which I would call the " ease of transport"

Which means that one guy can travel the barrier with his own efforts and has to stay in his layer of choice only thru his own talents and efforts. For example as I saw in the show ,there is a mechanism to make the "poor" class the "rich" class.

Its a superficial show no doubt but it incorporates the "reward &punishment" philosophy that is the hallmark of all great social systems.

Its that method which eases the flow between layers of society . This ease is what is cool about the way India is moving.

Topic two-Article 377
The second was about article 377 which was the subject of much debate. Hearing the debates on TV made me think that how stupid we are. I mean I am actually thinking that how come we have so much time to debate if Anal Sex is a criminal act?
Wat that hell !! If some one wants to have sex watever way how does it matter to society at large? How does that matter? Dont we have better things in life?
And why shud the homosexualism be criminalised? I seriously dont understand the logic. I am yet to see the connection between homosexuality and the holocaust or similar activities conducted by "healthy" minded heterosexuals.And this makes me feel depressed about India.

We can accept bad roads , bad sewerage, bad accounts ..but when it comes to homosexuals we are "oh so offended" .What shit is this? What one does in his/her bedroom is suddenly more important than medical facilities or infrastructure?

The point I am trying to make is that there is no basis of such "Criminalisation" when it has been scientifically proved that most men/women are born homosexuals. So wats the big deal. Let them get along with their lives.

Or lets have a law that says that having sex with your wife on sundays and religious holidays is criminal offence. Why not? As religions forbid do they forbid any thing except praying on sundays! So no sex on sundays...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Making life simpler

I feel that we all have the capacity to make life simpler and more enjoyable in every aspect. The secret is to cut out peripherals. The corollary being that we waste major time on minor issues . Its evident in every aspect of our lives.
I will start with a simple example. I remember the time when I was very young and we had to travel by train. I remember that it was an evolution in itself. My mom would get up in the early morning ..cut and cook vegetables ..rice etc for journey. Fill in water bottles...pack cutlery and plates, dad would check that the towels are packed, every paper is ready, the fruits are packed and the auto is called in time etc etc. All this for a journey which would last at most 4 hrs.

Now I dont want to argue the parental love part of it. I am pretty clear about that. What I want to project is the fact that this evolution could be made simpler if you can cut out the peripherals . For example why should you worry the whole night about preparing food when its not necessary to have home made food in 4-5 hrs. Infact you have wasted 2 hrs in making food which could have been avoided by buying snacks.

I feel we do all this because we do not want to "miss out" any aspect. We want it "all" . So we want home made food, served in great plates and top it up by a great dessert. Why ? Why is it necessary to have all this? And why should we get into so much of trouble for so less pleasure?

The solution is to limit the search space for hapiness. And by that I mean to cut out peripheral issue. In the above example..the peripherals would be home made food, fresh towels, cutlery..etc. The essentials would be drinking water and the ticket.

Similarly if I concentrate on fewer things I will be able to do them better. Fewer freinds, fewer relatives, fewer obligations and fewer wants. I need not have everything ..In fact I have boiled down my wants to only one thing "Hapiness".
I will do things that lead me towards this simple want. I need not waste my time on peripherals like Social obligations, moral sense etc. If the peripherals can be avoided I will avoid them..if they cant be I will compromise till I can escape.
If I do something it will be purely from my hapiness point of view. There is no other logic. If I am happy killing some one I will do that ..! If I feel like learning a software I will do that ...If I feel like travelling I will do that.
My hapiness is the no frill aim of my life and that will make my life simpler . And thats the beaty of cutting out peripherals. Fewer issues, better focus and efficient use of resources.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Leaving Stuttgart

Today ..its now 630 pm. I will be leaving Stuttgart in almost 12 hrs . The party is done , gifts exchanged ..all formalities carried out ...and now I am in my office just whiling away time.
How do I feel leaving a place that was my workplace for 6 monthes?
How do I feel leaving the group of my freinds and collegues in Office? How do I feel walking out of this office and knowing that perhaps this is the last time I will see these guys in years if not decades?

I feel sad and somewat empty . And there is an awkward silence in the office . Adding to that mood is the overcast day , the usual busy hum drum at the office and the fact that I will not come to office tomorrow.

Will I miss Germany? Most likely not. Will I miss my collegues ..most likely. Will they miss me ? I dont know.

Most likely too is the fact that on reachin India ,I will be so caught up that the memories of germany will fade away soon.
Maybe for the first few days I will wake up in the morning surprised that I am not in hostel but at home. Maybe for the first few days I will get surprised at the food and noise. Maybe for the first few days I will not stop calculating in Euros...
But thats for first few days, later I will get used and maybe the memories of Germany will be a distant nostalgic moment.

Maybe someday I will meet Takafumi, Navid, Micha or Vishnja some where else and we will relive our days. But we will never be the one group we were here. It will never be the same. Maybe worse maybe better..but never ever the same.

This was a wonderful time ..despite the work pressure . I am used to such shiftings where you move out of familiar circles and jump right into unfamiliar teritories. Its nice in a way but sometimes it emotionally drains you.

Maybe its natures way of telling me to value the freinds I have , the time I have , the moments I have, the joys I have ..Instead of missing today for tomorrow!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

The clash of the titans

There is a small forest near the University in Stuttgart and sometimes I go for a run around the lake at its centre. It is a beautiful track and well kept.

The last time I went for a run I saw a lot of leech like creatures crawling on the forest floor at regular intervals. They are called slugs and although generally veeeeeryyyy slloooooww in movement they do try to move around. Even attempting to cross the forest paths in one sloooowww loooonnnggg trek.

I generally try my best to avoid stepping over them even though it means jumping half of the way. Frankly speaking I find their struggle to cross the forest path heroic. With their slow gait..this must feel like a marathon for them . But still they attempt it for food/sex/adventure..and I respect guys who attepmt heroic things so..kind of salute them as I jump over them. ;)

Anyway , they have got some company in slow mo world in terms of snails.

Now poor snails are not that great to look at but I always imagine them as school kids with a bag on their back and on their way to school. You know the "obedient types" who just look at the road and march ahead. I am sure that underneath that shell they have a small green water bottle and a neatly packed red and white tiffin box and their moms told them to go "straight to the school".

This forest is also full of the snails..small ones.

Yesterday as I was cooling down after the run I was stopped on my tracks by an interesting encounter. One slug was marching straight on to line of sight of an incoming snail. and they were like atleast 5 cm away from each other. This smelt interseting so I sat down on a nearby log and took in the scene.

The course of both of these guys were set and no one was even making any least attempt to change his/her course. So after an agoinising wait of 5 minutes ..the "thing" happened.
They both clashed head on. It was a scene to remember. I felt I was watching a slow motion crash of two armies. The slug had a minor compression of its body while the snail almost toppled over.

Now this was of course most inappropriate and they had no idea how to react. So after Mr Snail regained its balance and the slugs vibration came to an end, they again squared off. And again a "bang"

I felt that it was again a mistake and not a fight. Because after the second clash. Both of them looked around as if they were embarrassed to not look where they were going.
The snail was picking up his tiffin box while the slug dusted its coat and looked around. In a while somehow it looked as if they wre saying sorry and decided that the snail will take the right while slug will be on left.And soon they continued on their own slowfull and painfully long march.

For both creatures without a central nervous system to decide on the path to take after the clash..That was something that impressed me the most.

There is so much beauty ..If only we looked.

Borrowed Arguments

I am a pretty argumentative guy. I relish a good brainshaking argument. I like my ideas shaken , stirred..turned on my head . I like being given a perspective I missed out. I am an "argument for arguments sake" guy. I like to taste a sentence...In the sense that I like rolling it and looking at it from different sides. While I am lucky I have met a few guys who do not take arguments too personally ..I have been pissed off by a few "types" . I will try defining them

1. "I am important" Guys. These guys have had a mediocore life and have hit a jackpot once which is the defining moment . So they play it around with such aplomb that suddenly their argument becomes too personal. If you attack the logic they get sentimental.

2. "The Righteous" . The second variety are the "ethical" paper tigers. Their base logic is that the world is governed by the ethical code of conduct. So if its not "right" its obviously not true. They re most of the times the most hypocritical. And arguing with them is like having a bag of deep fried and stale chips. The taste is bad and you are left with bad farts.

3. "The super data banks" . They are one of the funniest because they tie themselves up in their own arguments by generalising facts. So if the sun rises in the east today..they are sure it will rise tomorrow and for a billion tomorrows(believe me there is a slim possibility that you wont see the sun tomorrow..there is no 100% chance that it will rise). Now these guys draw upon facts,documentaries and science to prove their case. Most often they borrow quotes and base their argument on authority. For example "bertrand russel said so.." hence its infalliable. But neverthe less they are the least bad of the lot. You may not gain in logic but yes an open minded discussion is still possible...

Now I come to the most virulent of the specis..The "borrowed arguments dealers"

4. Borrowed argument dealers. These are by far the most irritating of the lot. A strain of the super data banks these state "borrowed logic" from others without stating the source.

They are the most confident because they "know". They pick up argumental logic from religious gurus , management books , tv shows and present it. Since its a valid argument..sometimes I am stunned by the logic. But when reality dawns on the copyright..I am dissapointed.

The best part of the whole story is that majority of arguments spoil sports are the "borrowed" variety. And the most vociferous. They cant diffrentiate between a quarrel and logic. And when their sources are revealed they become violent.

As a non-violent man..I have decided that I will do my best to avoid them.

Friday, June 19, 2009

The most beautiful women..Ac to me

A few days ago I asked some one I knew.."who do u think is the most beautiful woman ever to represent female sexuality on bollywood " ...The answer was a certain "Madhubala". I beg to disagree.

I was very specific in my question "female sexuality" . No I did not mean skin show(although frankly ..its someones skin ..and I do not see the problem in showing any skin,if its beautiful that is..). Anyway what I meant was a woman who filled the screen with "feminine presence " when she used to be there. A presence which was tangible and sensual even while fleeting and momentary.

A woman whose "womanness" was so beautiful that it made you fall in love with not only her but with the beauty of idea of a woman. An idea that is strong,and soft alternating in its feel to drive you to a level of conciousness where you feel the alternating void and fullness of pure and unadulterated happiness.

A woman who was ,as all great things are, was more than the sum of her parts. She was more than the sum of her eyes ,nose or skin..She was more than her dance, she was more than her acting skills. She was simply more. As if , even if she would just stand in front of the camera , the joy of seeing her would not be diminished.

I do not think Madhubala was all that. She was a fair sack of super fine flour. Her smile was asymetric and everytime she tried to "love" the camera the scene fell flat. She was the Aishwarya Rai equivalent of yesteryears.Always swooning..always sighing..Maannnnnn that is SO irritating if one does that 24/7. Meena kumari was a good actress but here I am talking about physical and sensual beauty and frankly I always felt she looked like a leper with makeup. We shall leave Zeenat Aman and Parvin Babi out of our discussion because frankly although I do not dislike bikinis...Sometimes overdoin it takes away the mystery of the whole idea ..and a woman dumb enough to not realise that deserves my sympathy ..not admiration.

The only one who came close to my idea of being wat I wrote in the first few paragraphs was Shabana Azmi. Especially the way "Arth" revolved around her(Arth revolved around her..say that aloud). But somewhere she died down as she plateaued.

I feel that a lot of women in bollywood are pretty, and I am not one of those "golden days fan" . Yes most of the heroines are pretty ,but there is n important difference in being pretty and beaing beautiful.

The difference is that of "mystery" . Which is in a way of saying that if you are intelligent enough to create illusions than that adds to the prettiness

Prettiness+ Mystery= Sensuality

So now who do I think is that woman? Hmmmm...Lets see She was the same women to whom RajKapoor sang "Duniya Banane wale ..kya tere mann mein samayi". Indeed "kya cheez banayi"(thats my line..sorry for the cheap hindi ending)

Monday, June 15, 2009

The automata of our lives

I was reading a book on Cellular automata and somehow I think we behave acording to one as we move in time. As most of u know cellular automata is a matrix that has a space dependent variance as it proceeds in time.

Which simply means its a matrix that changes based on last condition. Something like Markov Processes. Which is again like a drunk man...he only remembers the fact that last time he was in a bar. all memory ..wife kids etc are irrelevent in his hunt for the next bar. The only relevant thing is the last memory that the last bar had closed down.

Lets think of our controllable variables in life..(Partially controllable)

Lets think of Weakly controllable variables like our siblings, spouses etc


And lets say non controllable variables


Then there are varuables we do not know the property say..a kid on the road..can u control him? if yes in wat way does he affect ur actions..

So name them and Unknown,,


Now at the time u are born lets take it as t1..and as u grow the t increases to t2 , t3..etc


tend= the end of ur the state variables at ur death..

So ur life in a way has the shape of a matrix containing these variables which change every moment in a random fashion..or maybe there are simple rules.
Since Cellular automamta has a complex "look" based on the fact that it in fact has "simple" underlaying principles..Doesnt it sound probable that even our emotions and dependent parameters change in a very simple way but also lead to complex patterns.

Which leaves a possibility open that our life is infact complex but yet governed by a simple set of rules.
Rich behaviour ..simple rules.

Thats a rule for automata ..maybe there is one for our lives

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The wave

Yesterday I saw a movie ..a german one called "The wave". It was a movie suggested by a german guy working with me in the office .
The recommendation was prompted by a discussion we had in the cofee room about Hitler.
The german guy is a big fan of Gandhi and wanted to know how Indians look to him.
I told him that we revere him as a guy who led a billion guys to freedom. I also told him that while we had differences in the personal life of bapu..I as a person look up to him .I told him about Subhas chandra Bose and how he had used the POWs in the WW2 to fight aginst the British, and had some sort of pact with the japanese and Germans too ..but Gandhi was against Hitler and somehow ethically he convinced Indians that the British may be bad but this was worse.
Surprsisingly he seemed to agree and was full of admiration for the ethics led freedom struggle.
The conversation then turned to Hitler. He said something very interesting.

The crux of the matter was that he did not think that Hitler as a "evil" guy was blown out of proprtion. He said that at that point in time the germans cooperated with the idea and Hitler was only a focal point.
For example , he said, the first three years of war had a volunteer german army. No forced army conscriptions. I asked him how did this happen?
Why did German want to kill the jews..why did so much hatred against the French and Polish people.
He suggested that I watch this movie .
I did.
The movie was an eye opener. Its a high school based movie about an experiment on lines of Hitlers third reich.
If you get a chance please watch it.

Monday, June 1, 2009

When in Rome ...screw God !!!

There are two things that have happened since I came to Germany ...One I have watched youtube too much and I have been to Rome.

Two disconnected things that some how fell together when I was on the Plane back from Rome.

An introduction is due. The youtube videos I had been lapping up were the religious ones ..sometimes pleading..sometimes threatening and sometimes outright funny. Infact I have always benn amused by such religious videos. I can spend hours infront of Quran TV or Sanskar TV ....because nothing amuses me more than religion. I am highly entertained by serious people getting so damn serious about something so hillarious.

Anyway how does this relate to Rome? After all Rome is home of Vatican...the seat of the Church. I will come to that , but first a short history of Roman empire. Roman empire was the glory of Europe for 1000 years...shortly it rose for 5oo yrs..peaked for 200 and fell gradually for 300 years... ! All this from 500 BC to 500 AD. Big deal! Quite a big deal indeed !

What actually intrigued me was that all the grand monuments ..achievments in engineering...arts were made during the Rise and Peak time a time when there was supposed to be utter chaos. There were a thousand convinient pagan Gods , the emporor was a God and so were his homosexual lovers, even favorite servants became Gods if the emperor so pleased. There were Games , debaucherry, sex, drugs ..and rock n roll(ok..i got carried away).
In short it was an utterly "sinfull" and "materialistic" place...with no God , no purity and no salvation. Yes it was ....utterly debauched. Yet yet yet..this group of "barbaric" people somehow built aqueducts...around 6000 miles of paved highways, the colloseum and invented advanced engineering. Infact this god-less time coincided with the peak of the empire ...till about 200 AD.

Yes there were lost battles ..killed emperors etc but Roma was the America of its day.

And then Constantine the Roman Emperor ushered in Christianity in 300 AD and within 300 short years Rome lost not only its empire but was relegated to dustbins of history ..till another Godless time began in Renaissance with Da Vinci.

This strangely got me thinking about the corelation between religion and Progress ....I started comparing organised religions rise and rise of civilisational power.
What I found is actually simple and may be too simplistic ..but there is a NEGATIVE corelation.
Example..Egypt(islamic), Mesopotamia(islamic),Rome(christian) etc....!
And the regions which remined largely untouched by falling fortunes were godless ones like China,Russia or people who didnt care like India, IndoChina,Srilanka..(I say Indians are deeply spiritual but non religious..frankly I feel its a culture than a religion. I am thinking hard of an Indian who died solely for his religion..yes the Sikh gurus but few else, compare it with Christian/islamic deaths)

Wherever organised religion took roots ate away at everything . It was as if it fossilised an active culture into passive worship of few "selected" individuals ..who were the middlemen of God/s. No scienc, no culture..only faith.

Why is religion so corrosive?And why is it so attractive?

I feel that the reasons for both these answers are

1. Religion makes you happy as it tells you in some tiwsted way that you are not responsible for your actions. Yes , God has created you. You did not have a say. Whatever you do or say is Gods will so in a way since you are his product ..u do not owe anything to ur own decisions.

2. Religion gives and indeed promotes a non-questioning mind. Its a strange case where one feels comfortable with easy but wrong(empirical) answers. This is a very powerful incentive because thinking and doubting is hard work..very hard work.

That makes me feel happy in a way for India . Because as a country we are actually becoming more like consumerist and debauched Rome. We are losing our God and maybe concentrating on too many.
Maybe like a few others I see hope for the second rise of our civilisation. Without Gods grace!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Falling in love again...with my laptop

Last week I learnt a very valuable lesson in my life. Thanks to a lifeless mess of semiconductors called a Computer..more specifically my Laptop.
Ever since I left India , I was sure my laptop was no good. It had 256 mb RAM and 60 Gb HDD which was pathetic. Even more Pathetic was the fact that it was a Celeron Vintage. I mean in this age of Dual Core and quad core ,Celeron was a Dinasour. And 60 GB as like trying to move a home by packing into a tiny vanity bag. Too much crap..too less flip flops.
Add to this the fact that it was a low end compaq and not very good looking. Kept gathering dust on its screen and to put it simply it was too ugly, too slow, too small and too old(it was only three yrs old). The pages wre loadaaaadddiiinnn for eternity and formatting, defragmenting , reloading OS ,cleaning registry etc all tried and all failed.
I had decided that I wudnt spend a pie on this piece of shit till I throw it away. I mean the logic was this . ..If I upgraded the RAM, changed the drive and bought a new HDD , it would cost 1/3rd of the Cost Price of the laptop. And accounting for the 20% depreciation cost wudnt make any sense doing the upgrade as long as it was "just working".
So gradually the Laptop was used as a stop gap and only for browsing while I did all my work on IIT computer.
One final nail came when I tried to load MATLAB 6 and the computer gave up.

As soon as I earned enough I wud buy a new ..most likely a VAIO laptop...That was the decision made.

Soon however settling down into the humdrum I couldnt get time to think about changing it. Infact everytime I went to a store I was always in the laptop section ..comparing this ..seeing that etc.
One fine day I decided that I needed storage space and my 2gb card wasnt much help. So I started looking for a portable drive and relised that it doesnt make sense to invest in another small flash drive ..I wud go for something where I could do a back up of all softwares . There was an offer for a 1 TB hdd and I bought it.

Now things began to change.

As I shifted the data to the drive. My laptop picked up...but just. I mean nothing noticable but I could feel that it was making a valiant effort. The fan was trying to cool its already overburdened processor as it tried to take on newer softwares,and I could hear it.

You may find it funny but I felt something for this old machine. I mean as I waited for the pages to refresh and heard the furious roar of its cooling fan...I felt that poor guy ..its trying its best. And I felt ashamed of myself. Seriously. I felt that while this laptop gave me hours of trouble free time(it had never broken down even once)..I was denying its basic "computer rights".
Every laptop had rights to better RAM and HDD and here I was being a creep ..thinking of throwing it away without giving it a fair chance.

So I thought lets make a try. I went and bought the cheapest possible RAM 512 and added it. Defragmented, removed junk data and cleaned up the entire thing...including the now dusty TFT.
Half expecting it to respond. As I switched it on again..I expected the same huffing and puffing and maybe a slight increase in speed . But nothing prepared me for the burst of energy.
It was as if I actually had a new laptop..The speed and response was faar faar beyond my expectations and it was actually as if I bought a new laptop.

I dont care about the money spend on HDD or RAM. What I care about is the fact that it taught me a valuable lesson.

A lesson that often we try to impress and invest time and energy in new people we meet. How often do we(make that "I") make a sincere effort to show that dedication to people who have been always there for us?
Yes, that is an oft repeated lesson and u may ask ..oh we knew that all along.
I am cool with that ..I do not deny that . But as far as I am concerned most lessons make a mark when you relearn them yourself ...and this was one of them.

BTW I am searching for a new name for my lappy..Any suggestions? ;)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

What Germany is teaching me!!

I have been in germany for 3 monthes and its been a life changing expierance for me as far as I am concerned. Life changing in the sense that I have never have been clearer that I am a deeply religious person..and the religion is India. 
I have never ever thought how sensitive am I about my country than since I have left its soil,never has been the soil of my country been holier, never has been my identity so stronger. Never have I ever been so fiercely angry about my country being criticised. 
Germany is a also a fiercely nationalistic country and its people are generally chauvinistic about their country and I dont know its a good thing but I find myself sensitive even when they are not very critical. 
I agree that germans have their good and very good points. They are public concious and civic to a fault. They use Please and thank u with irritating repeatation. They are professional and workohlics ..and they are very duty concious. Things we cud learn. 
But at the same time the most surprising thong I found that none..none ..i mean none of the Germans smile! I may be alittle critical on that aspect but I travel on a "local train" called S bahn and its quiet as death even at peak hours. Even with rush hour traffic. 
Coming from India I am pertrubed by public silence and since living in mumbai..I dont feel at home till I bump into someone every second. And yes I am pertrubed by people not smiling! I mean its strange..How can these guys not ever smile?
Its not an European thing becos in Paris ..I see animated people..People talk smile laugh..Yeah have seen them dance too!! but none of that here..
The only thing these people enjoy is getting drunk. No other means of fun..!!Yeah I forgot ..kinky sex!Thats it! 
Dont get me wrong I am all for getting drubk and wild sex ..but can that be a national pastime ? I mean even a football game here is incomplete without getting drunk!
Yeah and food..Puhleese! Its sausages ,sausages and more sausages with bretzel! Its not difficult to see that why the people are so sad. u wud be ..if u had sausages and bretzel every single day! 
Its as if these were a bunch of dumb school boys. Its as if they follow a manual on everything. No one thinks outside the box.
Compared to such a living...India may not be the garden of eden but somehow ppl,they laugh...they plot,they conspire ..they cheat...yes all of that but they live life as they want! And yeah ..glorious Indian food. 
I dont have anything against germans ,just want them to know that ..sorry boss..mera mann nahin lagta! 

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Me in Stuttgart

I have been in Stuttgart for almost a month. So wat do I miss in Germany? Indian Food , indian people ..indian smells...?

Strangely nothing at all. I like it here . I like the way life goes on here. I like the fact that I am left alone with my books and music. I am happy that I have a choice to prepare and eat what I like as I like. I love the fact that if I am not littering the streets no one is..
I love the fact that I can sit beside the frozen lake and think with my beer in hand and not get strange looks . I love the fact that there is an operational pavement for me to run for miles at end. I love the fact that the incoming car has the courtesy to let me have the right of way while jogging...

I like it that I am being liked by my boss. I like it that he feels that he feels nice with an Indian around in charge. I may not deserve it..but it feels great. It feels great to be an Indian. Strangely outside India.

But the best part is that there is a Bose Showroom next door and the Mercedes muesuem nearby. The day I feel lonely I go there and it feels nice to be in a world where these excellent engineering pieces were invented.

Would I like to live here forever...Strangely the answer is no.

I like India too much to ever think of settling here. It may not be a very rich country, neither a very advanced one...but its mine. I will never feel the warmth of India here. its not that people are bad but I must admit the fact that I am not "one of them".
I may sound like a hypocrite but I want that my knowledge is used in India rather than enrich Germany. I need India as much as India needs me. Its illogical. I know. Maybe I am being too sentimental but you dont deal logic with either mothers or motherlands...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Retard Functions

I sometimes feel that the biggest challenge in life is not to know what "women want" but to know wat u urself want.
What gives you pleasure and wat can be the source of greatest sadness for you. ..? what keeps you alive ..? what makes you wat u are...? and finally wat do u want to be? What gives you the courage to stand alone..stand alone and take it on your chest...?

How often do i ask myself..what kind of a guy am i?

The reason i am gettin these kind of weird thoughts is that marriage is looming large on my head and i am shit scared . I am shit scared because I dont seem to meet any of the requirements of a "marriage worthy guy". I mean it seems that I am not designed to "care and share". And although surprisingly I get along with kids I never had any desire to have mine and deal with the piss and shit..!!
People try to convince me that marriage isnt that bad ...I have failed in trying to convince people(read parents) that its not that I am afraid of marriage. Its just that I am convinced that I wont be a good husband...Why? The logic is thus..

A ferrari may be the best sports car in its class but it will take a lot of effort (most of it useless and wastage of miney) to make it a sub marine. Not because the ferrari is weak or a bad peice of engineering but because it has inherent flaws that retard its function as a sub-marine..So parallaly what are my "retard functions" as a marriageable guy?

First and fore most....I am a selfish guy. I really dont care about others as long as I am happy. I am not saying it in a cuddly cuddly way ..but i seriously dont care about the general public around me unless they are my parents, sis or a few of my coursemates.Its very difficult for me to be that ever caring and concerned husband that I see floating around. It appears too much of an effort..That brings me to the second retard function.

I am inherently lazy. Most of the times I get away because of part luck and part intelligence but deep down I am a lazy bum.I wudnt move my butt till a dragon is breathing down my neck.The worst part is that as soon as the dragon leaves I am back on my couch. Whats more I am pretty happy the way it is. I mean i seriously find it not too harmful a vice..

Thirdly I am too egoistic. Not too egoistic for me but perhaps for someone who is planning to spending a life with me. I may be pretty easy going to a lot of people but maybe that hides an overtly senstive guy . Sensitive to my ego. Its silly but for a person as small as me this ego is pretty blown up. I feel its going to be a major issue...

maybe lastly the greatest "retard function" is that I dont forgive neither forget. I may not be vindicative but i never forget "intentional" hurts. I do find it a wastage of time trying to be vindicative but most likely if u have hurt me ...the next time i see u in trouble i will push u down further. Mercy, my my..thats something I totally lack.

For some , love is the elixer of life , for me i think its hate. Hate keeps me alive . It makes me long to live and rejoice. I love it when I break through people who think they are smart. I love that little smile of triumph as I rise above my circumstances . And what makes me rise...Its total despise of this world i live in.

You might think me to be a masochist but I relish a good hurt. I feel great when the odds are higher and I feel absolutely alone, Its these moments that make me come alive.These have been the most beautiful moments of my life..where I have cried to myself ,dusted myself and rose up to fight .These are the moments i have hated others the most and loved myself the most...

I love the feeling of proving people wrong ...quietly.And at the basis of that strength is the hate i feel for the world at large. A world where either you eat the other guy or be eaten...I hate to be a part of this philosophy and this hate keeps giving me the strength...

It would be slightly difficult for any woman to understand this even though she may shake her lovely head in affirmation. I am convinced that women are too confused to understand anything and I dont have the patience...

Thats why a ferrrari may never be a submarine at heart...Too many "retard functions"

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I really loved the lyrics of this Jagjit Singh Song

aadamii aadamii ko kyaa degaa
jo bhii degaa vahii Khudaa degaa

meraa qaatil hii meraa munsib hai
kyaa mere haq men faisalaa degaa

zindagii ko kariib se dekho
isakaa cheharaa tumhen rulaa degaa

hamse puchho dostii kaa silaa
dushmanon kaa bhii dil hilaa degaa

ishq kaa zahar pii liyaa 'Faakir'
ab masiihaa bhii kyaa davaa degaa

Doesnt matter if you dont share my sentiments...