Saturday, February 7, 2009
Strangely nothing at all. I like it here . I like the way life goes on here. I like the fact that I am left alone with my books and music. I am happy that I have a choice to prepare and eat what I like ..live as I like. I love the fact that if I am not littering the streets no one is..
I love the fact that I can sit beside the frozen lake and think with my beer in hand and not get strange looks . I love the fact that there is an operational pavement for me to run for miles at end. I love the fact that the incoming car has the courtesy to let me have the right of way while jogging...
I like it that I am being liked by my boss. I like it that he feels that he feels nice with an Indian around in charge. I may not deserve it..but it feels great. It feels great to be an Indian. Strangely outside India.
But the best part is that there is a Bose Showroom next door and the Mercedes muesuem nearby. The day I feel lonely I go there and it feels nice to be in a world where these excellent engineering pieces were invented.
Would I like to live here forever...Strangely the answer is no.
I like India too much to ever think of settling here. It may not be a very rich country, neither a very advanced one...but its mine. I will never feel the warmth of India here. its not that people are bad but I must admit the fact that I am not "one of them".
I may sound like a hypocrite but I want that my knowledge is used in India rather than enrich Germany. I need India as much as India needs me. Its illogical. I know. Maybe I am being too sentimental but you dont deal logic with either mothers or motherlands...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
What gives you pleasure and wat can be the source of greatest sadness for you. ..? what keeps you alive ..? what makes you wat u are...? and finally wat do u want to be? What gives you the courage to stand alone..stand alone and take it on your chest...?
How often do i ask myself..what kind of a guy am i?
The reason i am gettin these kind of weird thoughts is that marriage is looming large on my head and i am shit scared . I am shit scared because I dont seem to meet any of the requirements of a "marriage worthy guy". I mean it seems that I am not designed to "care and share". And although surprisingly I get along with kids I never had any desire to have mine and deal with the piss and shit..!!
People try to convince me that marriage isnt that bad ...I have failed in trying to convince people(read parents) that its not that I am afraid of marriage. Its just that I am convinced that I wont be a good husband...Why? The logic is thus..
A ferrari may be the best sports car in its class but it will take a lot of effort (most of it useless and wastage of miney) to make it a sub marine. Not because the ferrari is weak or a bad peice of engineering but because it has inherent flaws that retard its function as a sub-marine..So parallaly what are my "retard functions" as a marriageable guy?
First and fore most....I am a selfish guy. I really dont care about others as long as I am happy. I am not saying it in a cuddly cuddly way ..but i seriously dont care about the general public around me unless they are my parents, sis or a few of my coursemates.Its very difficult for me to be that ever caring and concerned husband that I see floating around. It appears too much of an effort..That brings me to the second retard function.
I am inherently lazy. Most of the times I get away because of part luck and part intelligence but deep down I am a lazy bum.I wudnt move my butt till a dragon is breathing down my neck.The worst part is that as soon as the dragon leaves I am back on my couch. Whats more I am pretty happy the way it is. I mean i seriously find it not too harmful a vice..
Thirdly I am too egoistic. Not too egoistic for me but perhaps for someone who is planning to spending a life with me. I may be pretty easy going to a lot of people but maybe that hides an overtly senstive guy . Sensitive to my ego. Its silly but for a person as small as me this ego is pretty blown up. I feel its going to be a major issue...
maybe lastly the greatest "retard function" is that I dont forgive neither forget. I may not be vindicative but i never forget "intentional" hurts. I do find it a wastage of time trying to be vindicative but most likely if u have hurt me ...the next time i see u in trouble i will push u down further. Mercy, my my..thats something I totally lack.
For some , love is the elixer of life , for me i think its hate. Hate keeps me alive . It makes me long to live and rejoice. I love it when I break through people who think they are smart. I love that little smile of triumph as I rise above my circumstances . And what makes me rise...Its total despise of this world i live in.
You might think me to be a masochist but I relish a good hurt. I feel great when the odds are higher and I feel absolutely alone, Its these moments that make me come alive.These have been the most beautiful moments of my life..where I have cried to myself ,dusted myself and rose up to fight .These are the moments i have hated others the most and loved myself the most...
I love the feeling of proving people wrong ...quietly.And at the basis of that strength is the hate i feel for the world at large. A world where either you eat the other guy or be eaten...I hate to be a part of this philosophy and this hate keeps giving me the strength...
It would be slightly difficult for any woman to understand this even though she may shake her lovely head in affirmation. I am convinced that women are too confused to understand anything and I dont have the patience...
Thats why a ferrrari may never be a submarine at heart...Too many "retard functions"
Sunday, February 1, 2009
aadamii aadamii ko kyaa degaa
jo bhii degaa vahii Khudaa degaa
meraa qaatil hii meraa munsib hai
kyaa mere haq men faisalaa degaa
zindagii ko kariib se dekho
isakaa cheharaa tumhen rulaa degaa
hamse puchho dostii kaa silaa
dushmanon kaa bhii dil hilaa degaa
ishq kaa zahar pii liyaa 'Faakir'
ab masiihaa bhii kyaa davaa degaa
Doesnt matter if you dont share my sentiments...